Thankful

There are a lot of homeless in the Hoboken train station.  It's not an uncommon sight.  But tonight it's particularly tough to see it because I'm on my way home to a lamb dinner tonight, and the warm embrace of a loving family and turkey dinner tomorrow.

What separates me from them?  Is it because I've worked my tail off?  I have, but I've also had a huge head start in life, being gifted with above-average intelligence and growing up in a good school system in one of the wealthiest states in one of the wealthiest countries of the world, in an environment free from drugs or crime, to healthy and loving parents who, in turn, also worked their tails off.

Very few of us are self-made.  What separates me from those destined to sleep tonight in the Hoboken train station is not hard work or determination, but mostly the roll of the dice.  For that, I am thankful.  Very, very thankful.

Taping of The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore

I actually haven't seen this show too much, but...shh!  Don't tell my friend, who loves it!

Being that this is only week 2 of the show being on, it's not that difficult to get into this taping.  Contrast that with The Colbert Report, which was nearly impossible toward the end (although a friend of mine managed to do it...lucky @#$%).

Anyway, here are some pictures.

The answer to life, the universe, and everything.  Also, my
number in line.

The right side of the studio.

The main part of the set.

The left side of the studio.

Roast of Anthony Bourdain

As part of New York City Wine and Food Fest festivities, I spent a lot of money to look like I had a lot of money; I attended the roast of Anthony Bourdain.

Auction lot #5:  An Anthony Bourdain

"How your sausage gets made"

experience.

This was a charity roast and auction to end children's hunger, so I'm glad that my hard-earned money went to a good cause.  But, to illustrate how out of my league I was, in the charity auction portion of the dinner, a woman sitting at my table bid $13,000 for a trip to the Galapagos Islands on a whim.  Yeah, there's some loose cash, here.

For the amount of money these tickets cost, I was surprised at how mediocre the food was:  Maybe a step above catering hall food.  Looked nice, though.  (Makes some sense, though:  If you spend the same money at a restaurant, there's a smaller profit margin.  Here, the point of the event is for the margin to go to charity.)

Anyway, I tried to write down as many of the roast jokes as I could. Here's what I got:

The food looked nice.

Willie Geist:

• The only thing [Eric Ripert] knows how to butcher is the English language.  Eric, you've been here for 25 years.  Go buy a fucking Rosetta Stone.
• What can you say about Guy's cooking that hasn't already been printed on a pack of cigarettes?

Mario Batali:

• Anthony will never forget the time he ate sheep’s testicles but he was probably too drunk to remember the time he ate Guy Fieri’s.
• In case you're wondering why Guy Fieri is here, he won a contest.

Molto Mario.

Artie Lange:

• I can see Mario Batali's head, which must be what it looks like to get a job at Babbo.
• Anthony looks good for a guy who's been in Brazil eating turtle clits for two years.
• And Anthony, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself.  (A recycled joke from other roasts.)

Ted Allen:

• Rachael Ray is the only person on Food Network who can make a loaf of bread by using nothing but a loaf of bread.
• [The first time I met Guy Fieri], you taught me how to pronounce your name correctly.  ...because no one's more concerned about Italian authenticity than the motherfucker who created Johnny Garlic's.
• Eric Ripert is the only chef with more experience with crabs than Jim Norton.
• If we were to roast Mario Batali at 20 minutes a pound, we would've had to start this roast last Friday.

Eric Ripert:

• I am so happy to be here with so many men who couldn't get laid if they didn't know how to cook.
• To [I don't know whom], I hope you didn't suck too many dicks to get famous, because it didn't work.
• I introduced Tony to his wife.  I don't know why.  I must've been pissed at Ottavia that day.
• When Tony and I were on the Martha Stewart show, she got so pissed at Tony that she put him on the pasta machine.
• You don't fuck with Martha [Stewart].  As we say in French, "she'll cut a bitch".  And make no mistake, Tony, that bitch is you.

Bonnie McFarlane:

• Your food is so sloppy, I saw Jim Norton trying to buy it a drink.
• Rachael, your food is like poison.  Do us a favor and give it to Guy Fieri.
• Mario Batali is so fat, every mosquito that has bitten him is on Lipitor....  He loves olive oil because that's how he gets in and out of car.
• Gilbert Gottfried, your voice is so annoying, I'd rather hear my 5-year-old daughter drowning.
• Anthony wanted to be a chef since the first time he cooked meth.

The night's menu

Jim Norton:

• You pompous asshole. Why'd you pick this night? There's a Yankees playoff and a vice presidential debate.  What were the other options?  New Year’s Eve or the 9/11 anniversary?
• NASA asked Rachael Ray to make food. They didn't ask Guy because it really sucks to have diarrhea in space.
• Artie Lange, I'm not going to attack you. I'll leave that to your heart.
• Anthony famously ate a pig's rectum.  If eating a pigs asshole makes you a great chef, Rachael's husband deserves four stars.

Rachael Ray:

• If you give Mario [Batali] a BJ, he'll actually loan you the scrunchie to get the hair out of your face.
• I didn't think I would have to write jokes for this roast because I thought my being here would be insulting enough to him.

Guy Fieri:

• I hear you're the only one [at culinary school] who did his cooking with a spoon and a Bic lighter.

Gilbert Gottfried:

• Mario Batali is so fat, when he eats an apple, people think it's a barbecue.
• Mario Batali is so fat, when he sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
• Mario Batali is so fat, his drivers license was taken by satellite.
• Mario Batali is so fat, his doctor said, you have a flesh-eating virus.  You'll be dead in 30 years.
• Mario Batali is so fat, when he talks to himself it's long distance.

Anthony Bourdain:

• Rachael Ray, when I found out you were a NY Dolls fan, how could I make fun of you anymore?
• [Ted Allen], you were so much better on Top Chef.  You never should've stolen Padma's weed.
• [Guy Fieri], the guy who dropped a 500-seat deuce in Times Square.  It's like TGI Friday's and Nickelback fucked Giants Stadium and out came this.

Dear god, I was crying from laughter at the end of this.  Totally worth being broke to see this!