Auction lot #5: An Anthony Bourdain
"How your sausage gets made"
For the amount of money these tickets cost, I was surprised at how mediocre the food was: Maybe a step above catering hall food. Looked nice, though. (Makes some sense, though: If you spend the same money at a restaurant, there's a smaller profit margin. Here, the point of the event is for the margin to go to charity.)
Anyway, I tried to write down as many of the roast jokes as I could. Here's what I got:
|The food looked nice.|
- The only thing [Eric Ripert] knows how to butcher is the English language. Eric, you've been here for 25 years. Go buy a fucking Rosetta Stone.
- What can you say about Guy's cooking that hasn't already been printed on a pack of cigarettes?
- Anthony will never forget the time he ate sheep’s testicles but he was probably too drunk to remember the time he ate Guy Fieri’s.
- In case you're wondering why Guy Fieri is here, he won a contest.
- I can see Mario Batali's head, which must be what it looks like to get a job at Babbo.
- Anthony looks good for a guy who's been in Brazil eating turtle clits for two years.
- And Anthony, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself. (A recycled joke from other roasts.)
- Rachael Ray is the only person on Food Network who can make a loaf of bread by using nothing but a loaf of bread.
- [The first time I met Guy Fieri], you taught me how to pronounce your name correctly. ...because no one's more concerned about Italian authenticity than the motherfucker who created Johnny Garlic's.
- Eric Ripert is the only chef with more experience with crabs than Jim Norton.
- If we were to roast Mario Batali at 20 minutes a pound, we would've had to start this roast last Friday.
- I am so happy to be here with so many men who couldn't get laid if they didn't know how to cook.
- To [I don't know whom], I hope you didn't suck too many dicks to get famous, because it didn't work.
- I introduced Tony to his wife. I don't know why. I must've been pissed at Ottavia that day.
- When Tony and I were on the Martha Stewart show, she got so pissed at Tony that she put him on the pasta machine.
- You don't fuck with Martha [Stewart]. As we say in French, "she'll cut a bitch". And make no mistake, Tony, that bitch is you.
- Your food is so sloppy, I saw Jim Norton trying to buy it a drink.
- Rachael, your food is like poison. Do us a favor and give it to Guy Fieri.
- Mario Batali is so fat, every mosquito that has bitten him is on Lipitor.... He loves olive oil because that's how he gets in and out of car.
- Gilbert Gottfried, your voice is so annoying, I'd rather hear my 5-year-old daughter drowning.
- Anthony wanted to be a chef since the first time he cooked meth.
|The night's menu|
- You pompous asshole. Why'd you pick this night? There's a Yankees playoff and a vice presidential debate. What were the other options? New Year’s Eve or the 9/11 anniversary?
- NASA asked Rachael Ray to make food. They didn't ask Guy because it really sucks to have diarrhea in space.
- Artie Lange, I'm not going to attack you. I'll leave that to your heart.
- Anthony famously ate a pig's rectum. If eating a pigs asshole makes you a great chef, Rachael's husband deserves four stars.
- If you give Mario [Batali] a BJ, he'll actually loan you the scrunchie to get the hair out of your face.
- I didn't think I would have to write jokes for this roast because I thought my being here would be insulting enough to him.
- I hear you're the only one [at culinary school] who did his cooking with a spoon and a Bic lighter.
- Mario Batali is so fat, when he eats an apple, people think it's a barbecue.
- Mario Batali is so fat, when he sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
- Mario Batali is so fat, his drivers license was taken by satellite.
- Mario Batali is so fat, his doctor said, you have a flesh-eating virus. You'll be dead in 30 years.
- Mario Batali is so fat, when he talks to himself it's long distance.
- Rachael Ray, when I found out you were a NY Dolls fan, how could I make fun of you anymore?
- [Ted Allen], you were so much better on Top Chef. You never should've stolen Padma's weed.
- [Guy Fieri], the guy who dropped a 500-seat deuce in Times Square. It's like TGI Friday's and Nickelback fucked Giants Stadium and out came this.
Dear god, I was crying from laughter at the end of this. Totally worth being broke to see this!