Roast of Anthony Bourdain

As part of New York City Wine and Food Fest festivities, I spent a lot of money to look like I had a lot of money; I attended the roast of Anthony Bourdain.

Auction lot #5:  An Anthony Bourdain

"How your sausage gets made"

experience.

This was a charity roast and auction to end children's hunger, so I'm glad that my hard-earned money went to a good cause.  But, to illustrate how out of my league I was, in the charity auction portion of the dinner, a woman sitting at my table bid $13,000 for a trip to the Galapagos Islands on a whim.  Yeah, there's some loose cash, here.

For the amount of money these tickets cost, I was surprised at how mediocre the food was:  Maybe a step above catering hall food.  Looked nice, though.  (Makes some sense, though:  If you spend the same money at a restaurant, there's a smaller profit margin.  Here, the point of the event is for the margin to go to charity.)

Anyway, I tried to write down as many of the roast jokes as I could. Here's what I got:

The food looked nice.

Willie Geist:

• The only thing [Eric Ripert] knows how to butcher is the English language.  Eric, you've been here for 25 years.  Go buy a fucking Rosetta Stone.
• What can you say about Guy's cooking that hasn't already been printed on a pack of cigarettes?

Mario Batali:

• Anthony will never forget the time he ate sheep’s testicles but he was probably too drunk to remember the time he ate Guy Fieri’s.
• In case you're wondering why Guy Fieri is here, he won a contest.

Molto Mario.

Artie Lange:

• I can see Mario Batali's head, which must be what it looks like to get a job at Babbo.
• Anthony looks good for a guy who's been in Brazil eating turtle clits for two years.
• And Anthony, from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself.  (A recycled joke from other roasts.)

Ted Allen:

• Rachael Ray is the only person on Food Network who can make a loaf of bread by using nothing but a loaf of bread.
• [The first time I met Guy Fieri], you taught me how to pronounce your name correctly.  ...because no one's more concerned about Italian authenticity than the motherfucker who created Johnny Garlic's.
• Eric Ripert is the only chef with more experience with crabs than Jim Norton.
• If we were to roast Mario Batali at 20 minutes a pound, we would've had to start this roast last Friday.

Eric Ripert:

• I am so happy to be here with so many men who couldn't get laid if they didn't know how to cook.
• To [I don't know whom], I hope you didn't suck too many dicks to get famous, because it didn't work.
• I introduced Tony to his wife.  I don't know why.  I must've been pissed at Ottavia that day.
• When Tony and I were on the Martha Stewart show, she got so pissed at Tony that she put him on the pasta machine.
• You don't fuck with Martha [Stewart].  As we say in French, "she'll cut a bitch".  And make no mistake, Tony, that bitch is you.

Bonnie McFarlane:

• Your food is so sloppy, I saw Jim Norton trying to buy it a drink.
• Rachael, your food is like poison.  Do us a favor and give it to Guy Fieri.
• Mario Batali is so fat, every mosquito that has bitten him is on Lipitor....  He loves olive oil because that's how he gets in and out of car.
• Gilbert Gottfried, your voice is so annoying, I'd rather hear my 5-year-old daughter drowning.
• Anthony wanted to be a chef since the first time he cooked meth.

The night's menu

Jim Norton:

• You pompous asshole. Why'd you pick this night? There's a Yankees playoff and a vice presidential debate.  What were the other options?  New Year’s Eve or the 9/11 anniversary?
• NASA asked Rachael Ray to make food. They didn't ask Guy because it really sucks to have diarrhea in space.
• Artie Lange, I'm not going to attack you. I'll leave that to your heart.
• Anthony famously ate a pig's rectum.  If eating a pigs asshole makes you a great chef, Rachael's husband deserves four stars.

Rachael Ray:

• If you give Mario [Batali] a BJ, he'll actually loan you the scrunchie to get the hair out of your face.
• I didn't think I would have to write jokes for this roast because I thought my being here would be insulting enough to him.

Guy Fieri:

• I hear you're the only one [at culinary school] who did his cooking with a spoon and a Bic lighter.

Gilbert Gottfried:

• Mario Batali is so fat, when he eats an apple, people think it's a barbecue.
• Mario Batali is so fat, when he sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
• Mario Batali is so fat, his drivers license was taken by satellite.
• Mario Batali is so fat, his doctor said, you have a flesh-eating virus.  You'll be dead in 30 years.
• Mario Batali is so fat, when he talks to himself it's long distance.

Anthony Bourdain:

• Rachael Ray, when I found out you were a NY Dolls fan, how could I make fun of you anymore?
• [Ted Allen], you were so much better on Top Chef.  You never should've stolen Padma's weed.
• [Guy Fieri], the guy who dropped a 500-seat deuce in Times Square.  It's like TGI Friday's and Nickelback fucked Giants Stadium and out came this.

Dear god, I was crying from laughter at the end of this.  Totally worth being broke to see this!